Letter's of a broken heart
by Kinky-bootz88
Summary: Chuck leaves Blair, and the only way she can try to cope is by writting letters. C/B
1. Oscar Wilde never knew pain like this

A/N: I don't own Gossip Girl or Chuck Bass unfortunatly. This is about Blair and Chuck trying to live without each other and how she copes. Read and Review

_Dear Chuck,_

_I know you never get these letters but somehow I can't stop myself from writing them. NYU is getting hard. The books they are giving me have so many big words I had to buy a dictionary. Seems kind of funny to buy a dictionary and a pair of Jimmy Choo's on the same shopping trip. Serena laughed at me and called me a geek._

_Speaking of being a geek although it is hard I am loving NYU. More than I thought I would. My first assignment is set. It's on Oscar Wilde. People treat you differently when they see you with an Oscar Wilde book in your hand. They look at you like you are really smart and they are jealous. I kind of like it._

_I found my place finally. I am involved with a theatre kids. I am involved in the plays and organising everything. It takes my mind off the fact you left. So much has changed hasn't it? It has been six months, two weeks and four days since you left. I know I am pathetic because you clearly don't care about me at all. Why didn't you say goodbye? You just left a note saying you had to go and that I could do better. _

_We both know that is utter crap but you are clearly hiding the real reason behind that rubbish. You can be an ass, everyone knows that but you weren't always an ass. Where did that guy go? Why did he go back to the guy who slept with strippers and done drugs? I guess that doesn't matter now. I guess none of it does._

_I have run through the events of the week you left over and over every day. I wish I knew what I did to make you leave me. If I knew I could try and make up for it, or at least make peace with myself but instead all I do is try to imagine what I did. _

_I know it is ridiculou__**s **__that I am still writing these letters but I hope one day you find one and realise you made a mistake. Of course that will never happen because I am sending them to an empty hotel room that you used to live in. I don't know where you are, I just hope you are safe and happy. _

_I love you_

_Blair_

Blair slid the letter into the already addressed envelope. Two days after Chuck left she wrote her first letter and sent it. It made her feel instantly better so the next night she wrote another one, and since then it has been her nightly routine to write a letter to Chuck, and post it on her way to class the next morning. She writes it on the best paper, and uses a first class stamp, and seals it with a kiss. She has not told Serena, Nate or even Dorota because they would all think she was mad. They all think she has moved on from Chuck and has forgotten all about him. She painted a smile on her face and pretended she was fine.

The tears stopped after she had written the first letter. She found she was able to put all her hurt and pain into the letters and seal them. She knew she was compartmentalising but if that's what it took to get her out of the bed in the morning then that's what she was going to do. The sad thing is that nobody cares about your broken heart. The only care when you are happy and you really don't need them to care about you.

Blair stood up and wrapped her coat around herself. She wrapped her scarf around her neck. She walked down to the post office, clutching the letter in her hand. She bought one first class stamp and stuck it on before putting it into the post box.

She turned around and walked away, wiping a small tear from her eye as she did.

That was her one hundred and ninety eighth letter. It was sad that she knew that, it was sad that she had written that many letters but that was how she was coping. She would rather be writing letters than lying on the bathroom floor like she was when he first left. She took out her compact and made sure her make-up was perfect. She smoothed down her hair and fixed her hair. It was time for her to go and have lunch with Serena, Nate and Dan. She would smile and act like she was fine because that's what was expected from her. She would make snide comments to Dan, and laugh with Serena because it was expected, because it was polite, because it was what a good Upper East Side Girl did.

She walked into the cafe and spotted Serena and the two boys, and walked over and sat down beside Serena. This was their normal table where they had been sitting at since they were at Constance. Now there was an empty seat where Chuck used to sit. Nobody would mention that fact because they were scared Blair would have a melt-down.

"So I was thinking we have an after-party, after my Mom's benefit" Serena said after greeting Blair "It will liven things up."

"Yeah about that...." Dan interrupted "I have something on that day, I have a hair dressers appointment because I really need my hair cut."

"Uh-oh" Nate whispered to Blair

"Dan you are going, that is final. You are not bailing on me or my Mom. You can bring Olivia or Vanessa, or whoever you want to but you are coming."

Blair smiled "Don't worry Humphrey we will all pretend you are not there anyway so who really cares?"

"Thanks Blair, your love for me is just over whelming."

Nate laughed as Blair gave Dan a sarcastic smile and then went back to ignoring him. She started talking to Serena about plans for the after party. Nobody would ever know the pain she was in or how much she was missing Chuck but that was what she wanted. "So I think a new dress is in order. I have seen a cute one my Mom has in her new collection. I am going to have her fit me for it."

Blair voice sounded flat and she knew it but she hoped nobody else did. At least she wasn't curled up in the foetal position sobbing, that was always a good thing. She would stay in an upright position and put something that resembles a smile onto her face. Serena answered her, and she tried so hard to listen to what she said but Blair got lost in her own head again. She tried not to let this happen but every now and again she slipped back into her own wee world where none of the hurt existed.

"Yeah a shopping trip for shoes is in order too." Serena had learnt to live with the shell Blair had become. She did not ask if she was ok, because Blair would lie and it was easier to let her be numb than watch the harrowing pain that incurred when Blair remember Chuck had left her.

They would go to the party and Blair would get drunk as she always did. Serena would take her home and put her to bed and the next morning pretend it hadn't happened. Chuck destroyed her, he left an empty shell barely living and Serena was trying her hardest to be there for her but it wasn't easy. Serena couldn't go through the pain Blair was going through day after day because it would kill her.

Nate noticed that Blair had spaced out again. He always tried to pull her back to reality but he guessed it was too hard. "Yes because you too really need another pair of shoes. You rival Imelda Marcus!"

"Shoes are the object of the soul" Serena noted

"That makes absolutely no sense what so ever." Dan chimed in "Seriously did you not go to English Class?"

Blair tuned out again. She didn't know how but the next thing she noticed she was back in her dorm room again. That happened a lot. She lost periods of time. Time really had no meaning to her anymore. It was just something that happened. Nothing has any meaning when you have a broken heart.


	2. You belong to me

A/N: Sorry for the delay. I had coursework up to my neck and was in the library far too much to still be considered a non-geek.

To Chairobsesser, thank you, it's not a one shot, I hope not anyway.

Sasha, thank you. There is an in interesting twist coming up.

Ah Sandra, thank you for so much more than the review. You know what I mean.

HnM Skinnys, thanks and I love your pen name. Jealous of it actually lol

This title of this post may seem a bit weird but it's a song by Jason Wade called "You belong to me". Great song, everyone should download it. It inspired the letter in the post. As usual Read and Review

_Dear Chuck_

_I got top marks in my coursework. They said I "was completely connected with Oscar Wilde". I should have been happy but I wasn't. I don't think I know what it means to be happy without you. That sounded so much better in my head. I'm getting at pretending. I think I should talk to Cyrus about getting an acting career because I seem to be getting better at it. _

_I know you would be able to see through it but guess what you are not here! Sorry I don't mean to be a bitch but it is getting harder with you gone. People say time heals all wounds, well guess what, they are wrong. Time is only making mine worse. _

_I hate this pain but at the same time I wouldn't take it away because that would mean we had never happened. No matter how much pain I am in at least the pain reminds me that it was real. I hate how much I think about you but I hope you are happy. I wonder if you ever think of me. I want you to be here with me now. _

_Where are you? Somewhere warm? Maybe in California? Or somewhere fantastic like London? Somewhere foreign like Egypt? Are you partying? Or working? Maybe you are just like me, barely scraping by. Wherever you are, I hope you are safe._

_I'm lonely Chuck. And the worst thing about it is that I am surrounded by people every day. I feel like you took half of me with you, probably more. I wish I knew something about where you were, or what you were doing. It would be nice to know you are ok. It's all I wish for in life, is for you to be great, because you deserve that. _

_As much as it kills me to write this, and as much as the tears are ruining this letter I hope you find someone to love one day, if you haven't already. You still belong to me in my head and my heart but if there is some girl who does make you happy then I am glad._

_I hate you so much for leaving me, I hate you for not wanting me, I hate you for not loving me and most of all I hate you because I love you. I know that doesn't make sense but I don't have to make sense. It's not like you are ever coming back. I hope you are somewhere fantastic. _

_I love you_

_Blair_

Blair sat in her last class of the day doodling. She really didn't care about listening to a lecture on T.S. Elliot. She could live perfectly happy for the rest of her life without every hearing about him but her ears pricked up when she heard the lecturer quote "Humankind cannot stand very much reality." This was so true. She didn't know if she could stand very much reality. She looked back down to her page only to realise she had drawn a C in the middle of the page. She ripped the page out of her book and rolled it into a ball. When she saw everyone else stand up she realised that the class was over. She shut her book and got up.

She walked out of the room and into the courtyard. She smiled at some random person who said hello. She really didn't know who it is but she smiled back, or at least she hoped she did. She clutched her books to her chest, it made her stay upright and not fall down into a heap screaming in agony. Serena met her at the stairs "Hey, how was class?"

"It was fine" Blair's standard answer for everything, fine. Sometimes Serena wondered if she even listened to her. "How was your morning?"

"I had a million things to do. PR is not as fun as it sounds. Casey had me pick up copies, and her dry-cleaning, and coffee. Very savvy"

"Oh I'm jealous!" Blair attempted to make a joke but she was pretty sure it didn't sound at all funny.

"You should be jealous. Wasting all your time on Oscar Wilde, and Jane Austin when you could be spending time with celebrities who think they are just sheer brilliant."

"Yes your right, celebrities are totally better than the great writers of the world" Blair nodded. She knew she should laugh but she wasn't sure how too.

"Right where do fancy for lunch? How about The Russian Tea Rooms? Their chocolate cake is to die for."

"Sounds good, but only a light lunch. I had a big breakfast."

Serena eyed Blair carefully. She was sure she wasn't eating properly but she had no idea how to approach it. Blair seemed so totally broken now. There was only a shell left. She wanted to shake her and tell her to get over him but she was pretty sure Blair wouldn't even react. She just is, she doesn't live, she doesn't laugh, she just exists and it is no way to live a life.

"Ok we'll just have a sandwich, they do all kinds of breads. We'll take the cake to go."

Blair nodded. She passed the crowds in the street but they all seemed to blur into one. They were empty and blank to Blair. She guessed that is what people saw when they looked at her. At least they weren't looking inside her. She was sure that if they did they would be repulsed because she was so broken and the pieces were never going to fit back together again.

Blair knew Serena was talking about something but she couldn't really focus on it. She simply nodded at intervals. It's how she learnt to get by in social situations.

"We could go to Dockers first. I know it is full of sleazy guys but it is the only bar in New York that does that English beer that Nate likes. It will only be for an hour then we can head to Fielding's or somewhere else in Manhattan."

"Manhattan sounds fine" Blair smiled as Serena opened the door for her. She walked out the door now knowing where she was going and what she was doing but at least she was walking.

"Blair I love you, and this is why I am saying this. You need to realise the Chuck is an ass. He's not good for you. Please let him go."

"Why are you bringing him up?"

"Because I know that you still love him and that's why you are like this. You're not you anymore. I need you to get out of this depression and realise you can do so much better. Blair he is not a guy, he never has. I thought he had changed with you but then he left. You were a mess Blair, Nate had to pick you up off the bathroom floor because you had cried so much you threw up and were so weak you couldn't walk. Blair we were so close to putting you in hospital just to get you to eat, or do something other than grieve. No not grieve because at least that would have been something other than the nothingness than consumed you.

"Serena stop, I can't listen to this. I know what I put you and Nate through but I got over it. I'm better now. I'm eating and going to class, I'm better now."

"Blair you can't even say his name, and you need to."

"Why?" Blair shouted angrily "I've gotten along perfectly fine for nearly seven months now without talking about him. Why all of a sudden do we need to talk about him?"

"Because you need to deal with the pain he caused before it eats you up inside."

"I'm doing just fine Serena. I feel no pain." Blair forced out trying to sound convincing "So the matter is closed"

"No it's not Blair. He text me last night."


	3. Whiskey is best served bitter

A/N:

HnM skinnys glad you are excited. Hope you still are after this one

Ogg here it is lol

Anonymous, whoever you are thank you

Oh its love thanks for the review but I don't think a beta is for me

Christina, I don't think you'll like how this post ends either lol

Lucie thank you

Ahh Sandra, that wouldn't have made for a good post would it? Lol. Thanks for they review

Chairobesser, don't apologise for rant, I loved it!

Thanks Tuck

Christinie, you will like this post I hope

Cblover thank you, and all I will say is that I heart Chuck/Blair

Ok on with the post. Keep your wonderful reviews coming because I love them

Chuck stepped off the plane into the cold New York night. He sighed as he looked around, his breath appeared in front of his face. It had been a while since he had seen that. He put his hands deep in his pocket. The driver of his car opened the door for him. He stood for a minute taking in the lights of the city. He had missed New York. He'd missed the lights, the noise, and the people. The cold air blowing in his face reminded him he was home. The driver proceeded to put Chuck's suitcases into the boot of the limo Lily had sent. This was certainly different than California. The driver opened Chuck's door and he climbed in.

The drive back to his hotel seemed to be a blur. He sipped a glass of whiskey, thinking about Blair. He couldn't wait to see her eyes. He had missed them. But they would cause him great pain. He knew he had hurt her. He knew it wouldn't go down well that he was home.

The hotel room he called home was exactly the same as when he left it apart from one box sitting on the desk, full of mail. He lifted a bottle of whiskey and a glass and sat down on the sofa. He flipped through the letters and realised it was Blair's hand writing. There were over a hundred of them.

He picked up the letter at the back of the box. The first letter she had sent. It was over six months ago now. He could only deal with one letter at the time. He lifted the bottle of whiskey and poured it into the glass. After replacing the top, he brought the glass to his mouth and let the whiskey roar down his throat. He got up and walked into the bedroom. He saw the bed, the place where they had spent so many nights. Chuck began to wonder if he could undo the damage.

Chuck looked down at the letter in hand. It was time to face the music.

_Dear Chuck_

_You left two days ago. I don't know why or where you have gone and it really hurts. All I know is that you got your passport and told Lily not to look for you. I got no goodbye, no note, I got nothing. It's not fair Chuck. This is the first time in two days that I haven't been crying. It feels weird. _

_I thought you loved me. Is it something I have done? Or didn't do? Is there someone else? I don't understand why you left. Serena told me you packed up all your stuff and took it with you so I guess you're not coming back. Out of all the stuff you have done, the whores, the drinking, pushing me away, this is by far the worst. You should have just stabbed me with a knife, it would have been better. It literally feels like you have torn out my heart and lungs. I can't breathe, I can't do anything without you._

_Before you I was great. I was more than great. I was going to go to Yale and be brilliant. I'm not blaming you for me not getting into Yale, I am just mad at you. This isn't fair to me. I'm in limbo. You left me with a note. That's not how you end a two year relationship._

_Maybe you'll come back to me. Maybe you just need a break. If you had told me that I would have given you space. You took my heart with you. There is nothing in my chest now, it's just hollow. It feels like I'm not breathing anymore. If it wasn't for the gut wrenching pain I would think I was dead, but I'm just living with the pain. What did I do to deserve this?_

_I can't write anymore. It hurts too damn much._

_I love you_

_Blair_

Chuck folded the letter back up and slipped it into the envelope. He ran his hand over his face. He hadn't expected that. He expected swearing, anger and outright hate. He got pain and despair. He would have rather have the anger than the three words at the end. Most people would find that bizarre. The person that he hurt the most clearly still loved him. He lifted another letter and was about to open it when the door knocked. He took the box and hid it under the sofa with the letter he had just read.

"So you weren't lying about coming back?" the voice greeted him

"Clearly" Chuck replied "I suppose you are coming in"

Serena walked into the hotel room and sat down on the sofa "Well see you still have your old habits."

"Can we get the snarky comments, and bitching over with? I have business to attend to."

"Where were you?"

"I travelled around. Paris, London, Tokyo."

"Tokyo? What the hell were you doing in Tokyo?"

"Business"

Serena sighed "Why Chuck?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you come back? Why did you even leave in the first place?"

Chuck sighed. This was not a conversation he wanted to have with anyone, let alone the best friend of the girl he left behind. Serena was going to tell Blair whatever he said, and she would know if he lied. "I left because it's what was best for her."

"That's bull Chuck. You were good for her before you left. You kept her grounded. I can't pick her up again. She was a mess. Chuck you have no idea the state she was in when he left. I was hoping you wouldn't come back because you're going to destroy her again."

"I thought she would find somebody else. Some Lord who could give her everything I couldn't"

Serena stood up and looked out the window folding her arms "I don't get you. Why do you have to mess up every good thing you have? I know she's my best friend but even she wasn't I'd still say this. You couldn't find anyone better than Blair and yet you just up and leave."

"Because she had NYU, and her minions. She didn't need me."

"Oh please do not tell me this is about your bloody ego. You put her through hell because you felt insecure. Chuck we nearly had to hospitalise her for what you did to her. She locked herself in her room for weeks hoping you would come back for her. You did that because you though she didn't need you? She was barely alive without you."

"Serena stop"

Serena laughed bitterly "A bit too hard for you to hear is it? Imagine living through it. I had to, and I would do it over again because she is my best friend and I love her but I never should have had to in the first place Chuck."

Serena exhaled hard. She rubbed her eyes with her finger and thumb "I can't do this with you anymore because murder is illegal in all fifty states." Serena lifted Chuck's glass and drunk the whiskey before slamming it back down onto the table. "Nope it won't work Chuck."

"What won't work?"

"Drinking the whiskey. I just had some and you're still an ass." Serena said lifting her purse and walking out of the room slamming the door behind her. Chuck knew that was only the beginning. Worst was still to come, and he still had to reveal the surprise of his own.

"_I'm sorry."_

Chuck reread what he had typed in his phone. He hit the power button, and when asked if he wanted to send the message first, he pressed "NO". He realised that he would never have the words to take her pain away, to fix what he had done, and to show he was sorry.

He'd never have the words like she did, but he did have the pain.


	4. Jane Austin got love all wrong

A/N: This is my last post until the middle of January. I have so much studying to do it's not even funny. It's not a massive post because I don't have time but I wanted to post something before Christmas.

HnM skinnys thanks, hope this continues to excite you

LuLu I would do the same too

Rose thanks, his surprise is show related. Send me a PM if you work it out.

Chairobsesser he does have a good reason, I think you will forgive him for it

Stella, yes all the letters are there. You will get to read one for as long as write this fic lol

Shelby thanks

Roswell your wish will just be answered

Tiffany yes he left for a reason

Ok so Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. Try not to party too much and I hope Santa is good to you all. I will see you after my exams. Fingers crossed I pass :D

_Dear Chuck_

_It isn't getting any easier. I feel like every day is rolling into one. I can't decipher the difference anymore. I can't tell you how long ago you left, all I can tell you is that it still hurts. Everyone is telling me that I should get up and get on with life. Nobody seems to think that you are coming back. They seem to have expected you to leave me, like they already knew I wasn't right for you. Why didn't they tell me that before? Why leave it until I actually got hurt? That's not helpful. They all act like they are perfect guess what they're not._

_Nate and Serena don't seem to care that you have left. They seem to think it will be good for me. They clearly don't know me very well. Maybe I should do what you would do, go out and get drunk. Maybe the pain of a hangover would distract me from the pain in my chest. Maybe it would distract me from you. While I'm at it I might go out and get some drugs, that's what you would do isn't it? Why do you keep hurting me? I thought we were passed all that._

_I'm not naive, so I never thought your old ways were completely behind you. I always expected you to do things I wasn't going to like, and say things that would hurt a little bit but I never thought you would destroy me. I never thought you could cause me this gut wrenching pain. At times it takes all my might not to scream. Maybe I expected too much from you but I never thought you could do this to me. _

_I know the saying "you are only young once", but if you don't stop the drugs you will only ever be young. I am surmising you are on drugs so if you are not I am sorry. I guess I just want answers. I want to know why you left me. _

_They say "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me", I wonder who the shame is on this time? Probably me for being so pathetic that I could forgive you time and time again. I'm not going to go into past and drag everything up again. I'm not going to say that I wouldn't let you hurt me again because we both know that's not true. If you walked in and apologised I would probably fall for it. _

_We both know that's not going to happen don't we? You're not going to walk in and say you're sorry and say you miss me because you don't. The really sad thing is that I need you. I need you more than anything else and you don't need me. Nobody really needs me now. Did you ever need me? What was I to you Chuck? Did you mean anything you every said to me? All I know is that I meant it and still do._

_I love you_

_Blair_

Chuck sat with the letter folded up in his hands. He would never admit this but with every letter he read the pain in his chest kept getting worse. He could understand why Blair needed to write the letters. She needed to put some of her pain into an envelope and seal it up. He looked at the box of cream envelopes sitting on the table. Each of them containing a bit of Blair's pain, each of which he had to read, he would get a little piece of her heartache to mix in with his own. He thought back to the conversation he had with Serena. He had hurt her, in more ways than he could ever imagine. He thought about her questions. Did he need her, of course he did.

Blair had meant so much to him, it almost killed him to leave. Even in the weeks after he left he toyed with the idea of coming back but he decided it would be better for Blair is he didn't. He thought she would be able to get on with her life and move on. He had to fix things and it's a shame it wasn't in New York. Chuck needed to find answers and they weren't anywhere near Blair. If he told Blair she would tell him that he was crazy and needed to grieve some more. But he had to know if he needed to grieve or not.

Blair was more cut up than he thought. He thought he was doing what was best for her, but clearly he had only hurt her more. He thought about what she said about him needing her. He did need her, he always did. Of course she was part of the reason he came back, but if she learnt the real reason why he left she didn't know what she would do. He came back because he had to face his mistakes, but he didn't realise the biggest mistake was leaving her. He knew if she knew the whole truth she would accept him and still love him for it.

But of course he could never tell her the truth. He could never tell her why he left because that would be admitting that he was wrong and Chuck Bass didn't do that. He would keep it too himself, he would come up with another reason. He knew that if he told her that drugs were involved she wouldn't ask any questions. The door knocked. He wondered why every time he sat down he was interrupted. He got up and opened the door.

"Hey" Nate said as the two exchanged a hug

"Hey I was meaning to call you but I only got in on Monday night. We could hardly get a space on the runway, you know how it is."

Nate walked into the hotel room and sat down on the sofa "So how long you back for?"

"How long is a piece of string? I have a lot of things to sort out here."

"Where were you?"

"I went down to California. I was living along the Pacific Coast Highway. I purchased a hotel so it took a couple of months to get it sorted, then I travelled back up stopping in cities along the way."

"Chuck what on earth made you leave? You destroyed Blair, it was bad. I can't even begin to describe to you what it did to her."

"I've had this speech from Serena so I don't need it from you."

"Well Blair didn't need to be put through all that pain, and we didn't need to put through watching her completely lose it." Nate sighed "Look man you're my best friend but you where completely in the wrong. You hurt her too much just to come back and except us to pretend everything is ok."

"I know, I made a mistake but I want to make it right."

"I don't know if you can Chuck. You left her, let's not pretend it didn't happen. You destroyed what you had with her."

"Don't you think I know that" Chuck snapped. He pinched the bridge of his nose. He had to get it together, he couldn't lose it now. People wouldn't believe him. They would think he had lost it. They would think he was a high. He would keep his mouth shut and stay until he got the answered he needed. "I'm sorry."

"Maybe I'm not the one you need to say sorry to. There's a lot of people you need to say sorry to and I would start with your family."

"That's what I was doing" Chuck shouted. He sighed and rubbed his face. The cat was going to come out of the bag sooner or later.

Blair stood outside the library at NYU. She nursed a cup of hot steaming coffee in her hand, letting the steam hit her face. She was taking a study break because she may burn Jane Austin's book if she didn't and she was pretty sure that it wouldn't go down well. It would be a great crime to practically the whole world but right now she was beyond annoyed with it. Her life was not going to be like one of the Benet sister's. She was not going to meet a Mr Darcy to sweep her off her feet. She had had a guy who was undoubtedly an ass at times but they got by, until he left her.

Now she was, well she didn't know how to describe it. She wasn't living, because living wasn't this numb. She was numb but there always this sense of pain niggling away at her. She always ignored the pain but knowing that Chuck was in the same city in her was causing great conflict in her. She still had the numbness but part of her felt slightly healed. She felt different than she had in months. She felt slightly better than she had in months. She felt like something good was coming, but at the same time she was petrified.

She took a long sip of her coffee. The raging hot liquid rushed down her throat and momentarily distracted her from the fear. Her body was shivering from the heat. She looked around the busy campus. It was coming close to exams and people were beginning to get frantic. They were maxing out their library accounts, and buying all the books remotely related to their course in the bookshop. Blair wished she cared that much. She was only at NYU because if she stayed in her house all day she would go stir crazy.

She looked straight ahead into the courtyard and found a pair of familiar eyes staring back at hers. It took all her might not to drop the coffee in her hand. She took a deep breath and braced herself. She thought about something Elizabeth Bennet said _"You could not make me happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who could make you so ". _She was more than sure that she could never make Chuck happy. He walked closer to her and stopped far enough so that he was sure she couldn't hit him. The silence was almost killing him. He knew he had to be the one to break it.

"Hi" was the only thing Chuck could think to say to Blair


	5. Love causes the same pain400 years later

_A/N: So I am back, hope Santa was good and you all had a great festive season. I sat my last exam today so I am done with studying for about two weeks. I hope you all remember this story and still read it even though it has been so long. _

_HnM skinnys I hope you like the letters because I love writing them so there is many more to come._

_Shelby you can stop screaming it's here. I hope Blair's reaction was worth waiting for. Hope your finals went well and thank you so much for your review._

_Ogg It's here at last. Hope the big break didn't annoy you too much._

_Rose my dear you are smart ;) _

_Lulu I am updating as soon as possible because I sat my last exam twelve hours ago lol_

_Sandra I am sorry but I did keep you hanging on. And I am keeping you hanging on. I was going to reveal why he left but I came up with a more fun way to reveal it and it won't be for a couple more post._

_Tiffany I am sorry. I love writing this. It's my longest fic I have done in about three years so it pained me not to be writing over the past _

_Chairobsesser thank you. I love Chuck too, probably a bit too much. The details will come out slowly._

_As usual read and review. _

_Chapter five: Love causes the same pain four hundred years later_

****

Blair stared at Chuck. She felt like throwing the hot coffee right in his face. She wondered what that would feel like. She was sure it would not even compare to the pain she had felt, and the pain she was feeling right now. He was staring at her and she felt like her eyes were penetrating hers. She looked down because they couldn't deal with seeing those eyes anymore.

The silence was killing her but she didn't know what to say or even how to speak to him. She had thought about this conversation over and over in her head. The apology's he would make, the excuses, the sarcastic comment's she would throw back at him. Now he was in front of her none of that was coming out.

She took a sip of coffee. She wanted to yell at him, call him all the names she could think of but instead she simply smiled at him. It took him a while to realise it was a sarcastic smile. Chuck had so many thinks he wanted to say to her but he didn't know where to start. He couldn't string one sentence together. He rubbed his chin "Hi".

"That's it?" Blair laughed bitterly "You leave me and all I get is hi?"

"Blair I am so sorry. I had no other choice, I had to leave. There were things I had to do on my own."

"For six months? Don't give me that bull I am smarter than that Chuck. You ran away like you always did. You're probably only back because your dealer got arrested and you need a new one."

"I don't do that stuff anymore. Yes I didn't for a while after I left but only because I missed you."

"Don't you dare blame me for doing drugs. You did that all by yourself. You left me not the other way around Chuck. I will not take the blame for the fact you are an ass who left your girlfriend for God knows what reason."

"I am not blaming you for anything." Chuck sighed "I'm just trying to explain why I went back to the drugs."

"I don't care about the drugs" Blair said a little too sharply. She sighed and rubbed her face "I care about the fact you left me without anything. Not a goodbye, not a letter, not anything. I guess it doesn't matter now. It's been that long."

"If I would have stayed if I could but I couldn't"

"Yes but why Chuck? You know what, I don't care anymore. I've made my peace with what happened between us. I have a life now, I have classes and coursework so I don't need you."

"I'm not back to try and ruin what you have. I'm proud of you getting into NYU."

"Don't you dare, you don't get to be proud of me. I don't need you to be proud of me. I am perfectly fine without you."

"I know but I am not fine without you.

"I found something out. Something that I had to go and deal with."

"You found out you were as ass. I found that out a long time ago. Why don't you back to what even weed smoking brothel you crawled out of. We both know that's where you belong." Blair snapped

"I belong with you. I always have, and always will" Chuck sighed "I just had to do something."

"What kind of excuse is that? You had something to do. You leave for six months, don't contact me at all because you had something to do?"  
"Yes"

"Are you going to tell me what it is or do I not warrant that information."

Chuck sighed. He took out a silver case out of his pocket and opened it. He took a cigarette out of it and put it in his mouth lighting it. Blair sighed and raised an eye brow at Chuck. He ignored it. Chuck blew smoke out his mouth "It's complicated."

"Of course it is. What, was she underage, is she pregnant? No I know she is going to be the new Octomom. Congratulations."

"Blair don't be so ridiculous."

Blair laughed "So now I am being ridiculous. Well if I am so ridiculous I should go and leave you alone then. Thanks for the chat. Really made my day."

"Don't you want to know why?"

"You know I think I am good. You're an ass, that's enough of a reason for me." Blair got up and finished the last of her coffee. "Thanks for the chat, really made my day."

Chuck sighed. He knew that if he told Blair the reason she would think he was crazy but at least she would listen to him. He opened his mouth to call her but nothing came out. He watched her walk towards the library. She through the cup into the bin and walked in the door disappearing out of his sight. "It made my day too."

****

Chuck came back to his hotel feeling annoyed with the situation. He wished he had gotten a chance to explain why he had left. He needed to talk to her. Only she would listen and not think he was crazy. He was scared she would think he was crazy. The only person who would be able to tell him to truth was dead. He might never know the truth and he wasn't sure if he could live with that.

He walked over to the safe in his room. He opened it and took out two bundles of documents. Documents that he had read over and over in the past six months. Documents that he knew inside out but still insisted on reading every day just in case he missed something. He poured himself a glass of whiskey and brought it over to the table. He sipped the whiskey and set the glass on the table

He lifted the next in the box. His name and address were perfectly written on the cream envelope in her handwriting. He would know that hand writing anywhere. Chuck Bass would never tell anyone but he had a tiny piece of paper tucked into his wallet that Blair had given him one day on the way to a class. It simply said "I love you".

Chuck tore open the envelope and took out the cream piece of paper and read her painstakingly beautiful words.

_Dear Chuck_

_More days have passed, I don't know how many. Time doesn't mean much anymore. I missed an exam today because of you. I stood outside the exam hall and thought about it but I couldn't go in. I couldn't write on how in love Mr Darcy and Elizabeth were because that can't be love. Love cannot be that simple. If it is then what did I do wrong? _

_I was in the library last night trying to write out the main points of Pride and Prejudice and all I could think about was you. It's not fair. I need closure from you and I'm not going to get it. I need answer. I have gone round and round in my head for days, possibly weeks and still don't know why._

_People don't mention you, or at least they think I don't know they do. Your name is spoken in hushed tones when they think I can't hear. They always say how sad what you have done to me is. Then when I walk into the room there is this false happiness and the over exaggerate their smiles. _

_They think that if they are happy enough it will rub off on me. I wished it worked like that. I wish I could be happy. I wish I remembered what it felt like to be happy. I still look at our photographs constantly. We are both smiling in them. Where your smiles fake? Where you not happy with me? I wish I could have made you happy because you did make me happy._

_Maybe this is karma. I didn't make you happy so this is my punishment. Maybe I am so unhappy because I made you so unhappy that you had to leave. Lily came to see me today. She said that you had rang her and you weren't coming back. Why couldn't you have rung me? I was your girlfriend. Until today I thought I was but I guess we are officially done today. It's sad that I waited this long huh? _

_Serena say's it is about time I packed up your stuff but I need it to make sure it was real. I need to make sure the pain wasn't all for nothing. I don't think I would take it back. The brighter the star the faster it burns outs. Maybe that's what happen to us, we just burned out. If that's the case maybe I should be glad we burned as bright as we did._

_Today in my romanticism class the lecture quoted Francois De La Rochefoucauld, a writer from the seventeenth century. He said "__It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it." I should be glad I have seen it because you were my true love. I'm glad you were part of my life even if it is unbearable now, at least I know what true love is so maybe I should consider myself lucky._

_I love you_

_Blair_

Blair may have been glad just to know what true love was but he wasn't. He had to know her. He had to get to know her again. He had to have her in his life, because without it, he may as well be a ghost.


	6. College is better with icecream & shots

Chairobesser it is coming, he is kind of learning through the letters. Even if I don't say it Chuck is reading them.

HnM skinnys thank you

Rose I love Paramore but hadn't heard that song so thank you.

Ogg I do want to tell you all but I don't. I was going to have him explain last post but I have a whole other fun way for it to come out.

Hamstro thank you. I love the letter so there will be a lot of them

Britt here it is

Killer Newton I am glad. I enjoy writing it

Stella thanks, it's here

Lulu hope you are happy with this one too

Lovely Leighton thank you so much. Your comments really mean a lot to mee

CGIL (hope you don't mind me calling you that it's shorter) thank you. I'm glad you like it.

This chapter took a whole other twist than I was expecting. I went back and forth for a half hour before finally deciding to post it. As usual read and review and let me know what you think of it. I want opinions good or bad!

_Chapter 6: College is better with ice-cream and shots_

_Dear Chuck_

_It's been about two weeks since you left. I still cry myself to sleep every night. I know that's sad but it's true. I'm getting better at pretending you never existed, well on the outside at least. I spend most of my time studying now because it distracts me from you. I don't know how to describe how I feel anymore. My eyes sting like hell, so do my cheeks from all the crying. The man who invented concealer is a genius. Without him I would look scary._

_I'm sorry I keep doing that. I feel like I need to make jokes so people think I am ok. I started doing it two days ago because I could see Serena was getting a bit sick of the moping. I still find myself sinking back into dark places after a while. I try to get all the darkness out while I am alone. I know that doesn't make much sense but neither does my life now. _

_I like the darkness. The darkness allows me to think about you and feel how I want to feel. I get to cry in the dark. I don't have to pretend. I know I should start to get on with my life but I am still waiting for you to come back. That's not going to happen is it? You are not just pop up one day and claim to still love me because you don't. _

_I need to get my head down and do some work. I am going to fail high school at this rate. Not quite sure what the Upper East Side would think about a high school dropout. Not that there is any point. What college wants a girl that doesn't care about anything anymore?_

_I applied to do literature because I thought it would be fantastic to study the great writers of the world. To see their views on the world, and how their lover and heartbreak affected their work. Now I don't care about that. The more I hear about love the worse it gets. I guess I am being a hypocrite because I am writing the same thing they have but I am sending it to a person whom has clearly forgotten I exist. _

_I need you. I have nobody now. My Mom and Cyrus have relocated to New York for her to launch a line out there. Daddy is still in Paris so I am completely alone. I didn't care about where my family are. The less they see the better._

_I still think that you are coming back. I just think you need time and I will give that. As sad as it sounds I'll be waiting for you. As much as I don't want to admit it I am that pathetic that I will be here whenever you come back. I'll probably be mad at you for a few weeks but we both know I'll get over it._

_I love you_

_Blair_

_-----_

Chuck knew it was time for him to sit down and make Blair listen to him. He had no idea where to start. He stared back down at the letter looking for inspiration. He needed some idea on how to deal with things. He really needed a time machine so he could go back and not leave Blair. He knew he would have to deal with the screaming and shouting but he didn't think she would be like that. She was bitter towards him. She wasn't angry, just bitter.

He looked back over the last sentence in her letter. He wondered if she would get over it as quick as she said. He wished she would because he needed her. Chuck realised he was going to have to get creative if he was going to win her back. It was only a few weeks into the start of semester. He was pretty sure that if he greased the palms of the admission office he could find an opening in an econ course at NYU. The Bart Bass building for business would do it. He would have to prove to Blair that he wasn't going anywhere. Chuck had been chasing a hopeless cause all over the world and still hadn't found what he was looking for. The elevator door opened and Nate walked in.

"Hey Man. I heard a rumour you saw Blair yesterday"

"Gossip Girl never misses does she?" Chuck laughed without humour "yes I happened to run into her"

"At NYU?" Nate asked sceptically "What are you doing Chuck? Just leave her alone. She doesn't need this crap. She can't go through that again."

"And you think I can go through this?" Chuck answered a bit more aggressive than he intended "I miss her."

"You did this Chuck. You ruined the best thing you ever had."

"I know that" Chuck answered sharply "but it was something I had to do"

"Destroying Blair was something you had to do? Putting her into such a deep depression we never thought she was coming out of it was something you had to do? Chuck you need to grow up and realise you are a complete ass."

"I will fix it. I have too. I am going to go to NYU and prove to her that I have changed. That I am a better person now."

"What do you mean you are going to NYU?"

"I am enrolling in a business course down there. I have only missed a few weeks so they said I could easily make it up. I am moving into the halls tonight hopefully. Not up to my usual standard but I really want to get the whole college experience."

"Have you taken too much acid or something? You can't go to NYU and you certainly can't live in the halls." Nate said running a hand through his hair

"Well according the letter I received yesterday from the Dean of Admissions I can. I am going to be a student for three years and let my manager handle things for me."

"You are unbelievable. Only Lily hears from you ever once in a while then you waltz in here and announce you are going to NYU without even an explanation. Chuck where did you go?" Nate asked not really believing what he was hearing.

"I went searching for something but I didn't find it."

Nate laughed "I'm sorry but I feel like I have been transported into some Disney chick flick. Are you going to start singing about your feelings now?"

"When you are quite finished making fun of me it would be nice if you left. I have had this speech from Serena, except she improvised with some whiskey."

"We love Blair"

"So do I" Chuck spat "Now leave. I have some business to attend too."

"Just leave her alone Chuck. You've hurt her enough to last an eternity, don't do any more damage."

"I will make it up too her. I will"

"Don't try. Just let it go" Nate said as he left the apartment.

----

Blair arrived back at her dorm to find her roommate Sophie sitting on the sofa eating ice cream. Blair laughed as she pinched her nose to try and stop the brain freeze. Blair threw her books onto the table and went and sat down beside her. "You shouldn't eat ice-cream so fast. It will give you brain freeze."

"Thank you for that Dr Waldorf. How was the library? Did you get your coursework done?"

"Nope. I just messed around on the internet for three hours. Did you know that Alice Cooper is really a boy?"

"You need to get over your dependence on Wikipedia and do some work. Deadlines are approaching at the speed of light." Sophie scolded

"I know. I will do some work tonight. I promise. I just need to have a shower first."

"We should go out tonight. We should go to a bar and get complete hammered. Be proper students. You can pull an all nighter tomorrow. I'll make the coffee"

"You know what, I think we should. First round of shots on me" Blair said standing up

"Get your coat Waldorf, you've pulled" Sophie laughed as she headed off to get changed

Blair wasn't quite sure whether to laugh or not. She pursed her lips as she stared after Sophie. Sophie popped her head back out of her room "It was a joke Blair. You're not my type, missing one very valuable thing."

"Oh I knew that" Blair laughed nervously "I...I was just trying to decide what to wear."

"Sure you where" Sophie laughed disappearing back into her room.


	7. I can pull off fiction nearly perfectly

_A/n: _Sorry it has taken so long. I hope you will be patient with me because I have a massive book list to get through this semester plus extra work to make up for an illness during exam season at the start of the month.

Ogg I have decided the reason will reveal itself in the next chapter. Thanks for the review

HnM Skinnys thank you

Lively Leighton I am so sorry for getting your name wrong. I type way too fast and don't read over anything. This post is dedicated to you as a sorry

Chairobsesser the suspense is nearly over. Except when I reveal it the story might not have the same appeal lol. I love Sophie so she will be in lot's more posts and Nate will have an interesting role too. Thanks

CGIL much easier lol. Thanks for the tips. Let me know if I got the common thing right. For an English student my grammar is awful so I apologise for that. I'm glad you liked everything apart from the grammar lol

Sandra I think you might be right. You're wish is my command.

Ok so as I said this post is for Lively Leighton. Read and review. I am off to read Frankenstein.

Chapter 7: I can pull off fiction nearly perfectly

_Dear Chuck_

_When I sat down to write this I was going to tell you how much I missed you but I have done that in the letters before. I was then going to tell you how my life had changed since you have left but I did that too. So I decided that on the off chance you ever did decide to read this you'll know the good ways and bad ways you affected my life._

_You made me so happy. Cheesy as it sounds you did. I thought I was happy with Nate but you were right. I needed something more. The drama and the fighting were all worth it because afterwards came the making up. I don't mean that kind of making up, while yes I did enjoy that I am talking about the cute apologies you used to make. And then you would kiss me once on the cheek and I knew it was all worth it._

_As sad as it sounds my life did revolve around you. I thought about you every single second. Maybe if I hadn't of been so pathetic you would still be here. These letter's are the only time I will ever admit that I miss you. Oscar Wilde wrote "A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction". That quote is how I live my life now. My face is that of an Austin novel, everything is perfect and wonderful._

_It's exhausting. All this acting is absolutely exhausting. I wish I could take a break but if I don't have that to focus on the pain takes over. I have to obsess over something continually or else I can't function. I can't let myself think about you for too long. Once I have written this letter I will post it and then I will forget it completely. Or at least I will try too. _

_They always said that you would know if you have ever had your heart broken. I always thought they were exaggerating when they said it was the worst pain imaginable but it really is. And the worst thing about it is, that nobody can see it. Nobody but you knows that you are going though absolute hell inside._

_Every night before I go to sleep I imagine that tomorrow will be the day when I see you again. I rehearse what I am going to say to you. It depends what kind of day I have had. If my day is ok I go with the "why did you leave me" speech. If I have had a crap day it's the "you are an ass I hate you speech". _

_I think it will hurt if I ever see you and you are smiling. Then I will know for sure that you don't love me. Somehow in my head you left me because you don't love me but I try not to listen to that part. If I see your face I know my head will be laughing at me. I know that sounds crazy and I have become a little manic but that's your fault._

_No matter what you look like it is going to hurt to see you again. I actually think it will be worse if you aren't happy because that would mean that all this was for nothing. You leaving would have been for nothing. This pain would have been for nothing. I really hope you left for something. _

_If I made you unhappy I am sorry. That was never my intention. Maybe I should have accepted that all we ever could have had was a great physically relationship. I always thought you could say you loved me because it wasn't in your nature. Maybe you couldn't say it because you weren't meant to. Maybe you couldn't say it because we weren't meant to be that couple who was in love with each other. Maybe we just weren't meant to be._

_I love you_

_Blair_

Chuck traced his fingers up and down the books on the shelf. He was complete lost. He stared down at the book list he was given. He had no idea where to find any of the books. He had no idea why he was even looking for. The aisles were labelled in some sort of code and he clearly hadn't been giving the code.

"Sorry they don't do porn books here," a voice came from behind

"A porn book, now that would be messy"

"There is something seriously wrong in your head," Blair said as she reached for a book on the top shelf. She couldn't reach so Chuck lifted it down for her. "I didn't need your help."

"Oh sorry I didn't realise you had the ability to make yourself grow six inches," Chuck retorted "Would you like me to put it back?"

"Stop being an ass and give me the damn book."

Chuck handed Blair the book and smirked. "You know that's the second time in less than a week I have been called an ass."

"Only the second"

Chuck smiled "Wow Waldorf, you have gotten funnier. That almost warranted a laugh."

Blair looked down at the books in her hand. She sighed "Why on earth are you here Chuck?"

"I need books, they told me I have lots of catching up to do."

"You really go to NYU? Personally I don't get it," Blair shrugged "I mean you're not the college type and even if you were why wouldn't you go to Brown or Harvard. You're grades are good enough and even if they weren't I bet the new Bass astronomy building would take care of that."

"Because I didn't know anyone there. Plus I have never been a fan of Providence."

"To be fair the only people you know here either can't stand you, i.e me, or are called Dan Humphrey."

Chuck tilted his head "Well the only person you knew coming here was Humphrey and the psycho of the century and you got on just fine. I'm sure I'll make plenty of friends"

"Actually me too. You'll fit right in with the stoners," Blair turned and walked out from the aisle. She walked up to the desk and set her books down. She handed the librarian her student card. She caught Chuck walking up beside her from the corner of her eye.

"I told you I stopped all that. I am not like that anymore."

The librarian gave Chuck a dirty look but he ignored it. She scanned Blair's books and then handed them to her. Blair smiled and thanked her. She put the books in her bag and turned around to leave the library. She sighed as she realised she was being followed. She found it ironic that she had wished for this moment for six months and now that it was here it hurt much more than she thought it would.

"Wow that librarian was not accommodating at all."

"I guess she knows you're an ass too," Blair retorted, "Are you planning to follow me all day? Because I have an American Literature lecture in ten minutes and books were never your strong point."

"What time does it finish at?"

"What does it matter to you? Want to plan your plane schedule or something?"

"I am not leaving Blair," Chuck sighed as he held open the door for Blair "My lecture finishes at four so I thought we could meet up and talk afterwards."

"Yes because this conversation has been such a joy that I really want to do it all over again."

"Blair I know you don't care but I need you to know why I left. I need to explain."

"Why can't you explain now and get it over with?" Blair said as she stopped at the balcony looking down over the court yard.

Chuck leaned on the balcony beside Blair "Because it's not that simple. I can't just come out and say it. Plus there is stuff I need to show you."

"This is getting weird Chuck. Even for you"

Chuck laughed once without humour "You have no idea how weird things are now."

"Do I want to know this?"

"I told you it's not like that. It's something that I never thought I'd have to explain. I don't know if I can even explain. And it's not something I can explain in five minutes. Please meet me in Central Park after your lectures."

Blair turned her head round to look at him "Chuck is I say yes am I going to regret this?"

"No. And if you do I will get on a plane tonight and never come back to New York. You have my word on that."

"Fine meet me at half five in the park," Blair sighed as she turned towards the stairs "And I'll check the Red Eye flight times" she said as she walked off.


	8. Authors note

A/N:

I know it seems like I have abandoned this story, but I have had to abandon writing for pleasure until the end of the semester. I have a massive Portfolio due in on the 6th May, which is eleven days away, and I am snowed under with the word for it. On top of that I have three exams coming up, t he first of which is the 10th May, four days after my deadline. My last exam is on the 21st of May which I know seems like ages away but I have so much work to do that it is not enough time.

In less than four weeks I will be finished completely with Uni for the summer and will have moved back home, which means I will have time to write this and My Saving Grace. I know I have left this story at a bad part for months now and I am sincerely sorry for that. I just hope you will give me four more weeks until my semester ends. I have six one shots on here if you haven't read them I hope they will suffice for now.

Once again I am so sorry and I will try to be more organised with this and uni next year (if you are still reading that is). I will take all the objects you want to throw at me now lol.

Holz


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